Images of the future coming in, moving back through time and mixing in my awareness of the moment. As the days before my departure dwindle, the more I start to recall the Life I used to live before I moved back into the city. How good it was and how often I used to smile and say what an awsome life I lived. Now I shake my head when I again see images of the woods and mountains I left behind in the wild. What madness, to choose this over them, the whole beautifull world is out there, why would I want to be here? The urge for a home must have been so strong.
That belief in the relation, the farm, the fammily, that drew me here, and made me stay. But I heve never felt like the city would harbour me. Do not feel there is ground to manifest myself. I feel like I keep trying to make a life here, but am unable to take root in the city stone. I feel turned back, like a child who, with genuine entousiasm, is told that his ideas are foolish and his dreams invain.
Eventhough this is the town I was born in, and I know it better than any other, I do not feel at home here. Perhaps traveling is a bit like time travel, one constantly has the oppertunity to re-vieuw ones conditionings. One has to learn, has to grow, and thus changes faster, without actually getting much older. Last summer, when I was on the road again to eastern europe. In just those two months, I gathered so many memmories, those warm days live withing me still, with such vigor, and inspire me daily. That seems like my real life, like the real me. Pictures of that time show me so much more alive and centered. And of those ten months since than? Feels like hardly anything happened.
In the mirror I see a empty shell, a white ghost of my former self, drained by the stress and monotomy of the city life.
Now that the temperatures have risen again, and I can sleep with the garden doors open I find myself thinking; 'Ahh, finally normal wheather again'! It always feels like I need to fight the winter, struggle, eventhough winters have become so mild these days. It's the light, the light intensity, the green life and relaxation of not having to worry about the teperature when going out.
Whereas some folks might feel estranged when traveling to other countries, I feel that that's where my life is. I noticed that I do not connect to the Dutch proverb of "Een te ver van m'n bed show". Nothing seems too strange to me, other than the willingness to permanently live in this crazy little over developed and cultured river delta called Holland.
